Thursday, July 07, 2005

R. Kelly's 'Trapped In The Closet'(parts 1-5)

I just watched a VH-1 half hour special that showed all five parts to this golden turd. This song is sooooo stoopid-bad, it's good. It's filled with guns, gays, gangsta's, and goofy-ass lyrics.

pt.1 has R. trapped in the closet when his stanky ho's husband comes home(he's also cheating on his old lady). As she and her man begin screwing on the bed, R.'s cell phone goes off! Her husband searches the house looking for the source. The cliff hanger arrives when the husband is opening the closet as R. reveals a hand gun.

pt.2 has R. waving the gun around as he's trying to walk out the door. Her man blocks the door and says he trusted her because of the 'Christian" in him. He then reveals that he's a pastor and says he's got something to tell them both and gets on the phone. R. and ho are confused as pastor-boy locks the door. They hear someone coming up the stairs. Who could it be? The cliffhanger reveals it's pastor-boys MALE LOVER!

pt.3 has a Mexican standoff between the four. R. threatens to shoot somebody, anybody! They all bicker some more when R. decides to call his old lady at home. Cliffhanger reveals that a MAN answers the phone instead of his wife!!(cue stoopid confused look on R.'s face)

pt.4 has R. speeding down the freeway(complete with phony-ass blue screen car images in his rear window). As he swerves in and out of traffic, our man R. gets pulled over by a cop. The smoking-bullet-proof-vest-wearing cop(not hot, but actually smoking a cigarette) gives him a ticket for doing 60mph in a 40mph zone. R. takes off and gets home to see the figure of a man in the shower with his old lady. As he pulls the shower curtain open, we see she is alone. He asks about the man who answered the phone and she asks him if he had forgotten her brother "Tron"(whenever I hear that name I can only think of Dave Chappell's crack smoking character) has come to visit. He feels stoopid for losing his cool and soon they are making monkey love in bed. She gets all jungle love on him and hops on top, screaming his name. He complains his "leg" is falling asleep and throws her off. When he does, the cliffhanger reveals an open condom wrapper in the bed.

pt.5 opens with R. threatening his bitch with his fists. He knows someone's been there cause he can smell cigarettes. She starts crying and tries to turn the tables on him. He backs her against the wall trying to get her to reveal her lovers name(he ain't playin', yo!). She finally reveals(drum roll) was the police man who stopped him on the freeway.


Who the fuck is buying this shit!? There doesn't seem to be any implied humor or even a nudge-nudge wink-wink kind of thing. Even if so called "minorities" are buying this stuff, can they be buying so much that this guy can actually make a living off of it? Geezus! For gods sake, this guy was busted peeing on minors on VIDEOTAPE! Not only did that not kill this guys career, but now he might as well be taking a shit in everyones ears! Lord knows I love a bad song(The Fat Boys & Chubby Checker's collaboration on 'The Twist' and even Brain Wilson's rap song with Beach Boy samples is worth a listen), but it takes no talent at all to crap this "Urban Opera" out. R. Kelly is a HACK and should be drawn and quartered for this travesty. Is it any wonder the music industry is losing money?

iPod Song of the Day: 'Wolves Lower' from R.E.M.'s Chronic Town


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